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Spring is around the corner, as it starts on March 19th. The new season typically ushers in restoration, renewal, and freshness. These themes can also be applied to your sex life. If you’re single, dating, or partnered, there’s nothing wrong with reframing your approach to how you experience pleasure. Spring cleaning, which is the art of prioritizing, decluttering, and organizing areas of your home, can be applied to every aspect of your life, including your sexual trysts. According to Nikquan Lewis, a licensed marriage and sex therapist who specializes in assisting people with improving intimacy with themselves and others, springtime tends to symbolize renewal and growth, which is required for healthy, intimate lives as well. “The concept of “Spring Cleaning Your Sex Life” is essential for couples looking to rejuvenate their connection and explore new dimensions of their intimacy. As a licensed relationship and sex therapist, I’ve seen firsthand the transformative power of intentionally and consistently reviving and revitalizing one’s sexual routines,” she says to ESSENCE.
Dr. Shamyra Howard, an award-winning sexologist, believes the first step in revitalizing your sexual routine begins with using your mouth. That’s right, you have to talk about your sexual relationship, including your likes, dislikes, and desires. “Many people in relationships engage in sexual activity but rarely discuss the sex they’re having, whether they like it or not. We simply haven’t been socialized to engage in productive sexual communication,” she states.
Howard continues, “Talking about sex makes sex better. Begin the conversation by bringing up the idea of spring cleaning your sex life. Ask your partner when would be a good time to have a sexual intimacy check-in to focus on sexual spring cleaning.”
She suggests spring cleaning your sex life by stimulating Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) by:
- Incorporating more physical intimacy into your relationship. For example, cuddle and spoon each other longer without the expectation of sex.
- During sexual intimacy, engage in sex play (A/K/A foreplay) for at least 20 minutes before any other type of sex happens.
- During sex or lovemaking, look into each other’s eyes.
Here are several tips to revitalize your sexual routines from trusted sex experts and therapists.
Tips from Dr. Joy Berkheimer, LMFT, PhD, Relationship Expert & Sexologist
Redefine What’s Sexual: Often, we feel a lack of connection, validation, and desirability when our sex life changes. We can interpret a partner’s diminished desire for one sexual act and an increased desire for another as a diminished desire for us. If your partner is willing to share evolving needs with you, this is a great indicator that you are part of a relationship that cultivates trust, transparency, and curiosity. Be open to new ideas introduced to you, as opposed to shutting down from anxiety over keeping things fresh.
Practice Sensual Yoga: The plug cannot be resisted. On top of being a talk therapist, I teach trauma-informed sensual yoga, specifically researched on and designed to help the one flowing in session to embrace their sexual energy, learn to move it around, and experience pleasure on a deeper level. For those who have always felt they did not have permission for pleasure, sensual yoga has proven to ignite the ability during a sensual slow flow. Once we learn this skill to heighten our senses, especially our erotic senses, the sky is the limit in our intimate experiences.
Show Yourself Some Love: Self-love is the best love, they say. I say self-love is the first love, and self-pleasure is the first self-love act. Don’t be afraid to explore and validate the experience as much as you would any other. What I mean by that is don’t be afraid to up your self-pleasure routine. Make it an entire afternoon where you take in the sun you needed, you fed yourself top chef style, you vibe to the music that moves your soul and finally dive in, like you are the last lover you’ll ever know and explore. Adornment goes perfectly here!
Get Outside: Visit spaces that will encourage erotic expansion. Spring is the time for food, music, and somatic love festivals. There are so many opportunities to learn new ways of being sensual and sexual in a group with others wanting to break out of the box. The most sex-positive folks have been at tantra retreats, where we all were equally searching, collectively curious, and immensely supportive of growth and exploration. When you find more spaces with like minds, you will re-create the truths and values you truly want to live more of, without shame or lack of direction. You have so much support. It’s just a matter of walking into the spaces you’re scared to but need to.
Tips from Nikquan Lewis, a licensed marriage and sex therapist:
Manage Mental, Relational, and Sexual Wellness: Good sex results from a healthy relationship. It is not realistic to think that you can achieve a healthy and exciting sex life if you or your partner are experiencing untreated mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety, an increase in stress, and various concerns related to an unhealthy relationship. Managing these aspects is the beginning of levitating your sex life. In regards to sexual health, it is important to be mindful of your libido (sex drive) and manage any related physical concerns surrounding your sexual experience, starting with a trip to your doctor to check hormone levels and other concerns. It’s not super sexy stuff, I know, but it’s imperative parts of a healthy sex life.
Embrace Open Communication Through Emotional Safety: The cornerstone of revitalizing your sex life is fostering an emotionally safe environment, which leads to a place where open, honest, non-judgmental, and safe communication flourishes. Discussing what is working sexually as well as what could be better, sexual boundaries, desires, fantasies, and even fears can unveil hidden aspects of your sexual relationship, paving the way for exploration and deeper connection. Remember, vulnerability in these conversations is a strength, not a weakness.
Explore Pleasure-Centric Experiences: Moving beyond the conventional, it’s crucial to adopt a pleasure-centric approach to your intimacy. This means prioritizing mutual pleasure, exploring what brings joy and satisfaction to both partners, and being open to new experiences. In today’s world, there are several ways to explore sexually, such as reading erotica and visiting local adult stores, conferences, and clubs where you determine if and how you participate. Whether it’s experimenting with new positions, incorporating toys, or exploring each other’s fantasies, the focus should be on enriching your sexual journey together. For those on a heart sabbatical and enjoying solo sex, there are ways to revitalize your sexual routines as well, and the options are the same as in partnered sex.
Prioritize Various Types of Intimacy, Especially Emotional Intimacy: Sexual intimacy is one type of physical intimacy and is deeply intertwined with emotional intimacy. Strengthening your emotional bond—through quality time, affectionate gestures, and appreciation—can significantly enhance your sexual connection. This is also true regarding prioritizing nonsexual physical touch, experiential intimacy (shared hobbies and interests), spiritual intimacy, and intellectual intimacy. It’s about creating a safe, trusting space where both partners feel seen, valued, desired, and connected.
Seek Professional Guidance: Sometimes, the best way to spring clean your sex life is with the help of a professional. Therapy should not be a last-ditch effort. Instead, it’s important to understand that sex therapists can offer personalized strategies and insights tailored to your unique relationship dynamics. Whether it’s addressing libido mismatches, overcoming barriers to intimacy, or simply seeking to deepen your connection, a sex therapist can guide you through revitalizing your sexual routines with empathy and expertise.
Develop a Protocol for Revitalizing your Sexual Routines and Be Consistent: It’s important to know that what works for you may not work for others, and that is ok; customize your protocol based on your and your partner’s desires. In partnered sex, co-create a protocol to revitalize your sexual routines by choosing how often to check in with each other on this, whether it be biweekly, monthly, or together.
Embrace Transparency: Give each other permission to be transparent and regulate your emotions when you hear something disappointing. Be open to communication in general, which means that although your partner has a desire or fantasy that you don’t agree with, be open to discussing it and know that you don’t have to do it as you’ve already discussed your sexual boundaries. Please note: You may not want to engage in a sexual act one way, but you may enjoy variations of that act; the options are only limited by you and your partner. There are also tools available to assist couples with revitalizing their sexual routines by identifying wants, needs, and desires.
Lewis believes, “In essence, revitalizing your sex life this spring is about more than just breaking out of routines; it’s about recommitting to growth, pleasure, and connection in your relationship. By managing their mental, relational, and sexual health, embracing open communication, exploring pleasure-centric experiences, prioritizing intimacy, seeking professional guidance when needed, and developing a protocol for success, couples can embark on a journey of renewal that not only rejuvenates their sex life but strengthens their bond in profound ways.”
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